David shares his experiences of guilt, returning to himself and the daily work that is involved in recovery.
The most important thing was to recognise that I’m an addict and start my recovery journey because towards the end it was killing me.
And if I hadn’t have stopped, I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t be here today.
I’m an ex-nurse. I spent almost over ten years in intensive care, but then I went through a really nasty relationship breakup. And it broke me.
I basically hit the drink and the prescription drugs. And then it just progressed.
And that’s a pattern of addiction. It always, always escalates to a point where it’s killing you.
Where I was living was a decent place to live, actually, but the landlords changed and it just became a hellhole. They absolutely didn’t care about the tenants.
Black mould on the walls. It was black. It’s horrible.
I was assaulted there twice. One with a knife and another time with a hammer.
I was given a Section 21. It’s an eviction order, because I complained too much and I was asked to leave.
I ended up on the streets for about two weeks, which was scary.
There was a tremendous amount of guilt there you know, being an ex-professional sitting there in the street with just a bag and you think to yourself, how the bloody hell did I get here. The addiction was a big part of that.
At that time, I was offered a place in rehab I spent seven months there. But it just started with me walking through the door one day. I said, ‘Look, I need help.’ You get all the old demons slowly coming to the surface. You know, most addicts suppress experiences.
I’ll show you. This is one of my favourites. And it says, ‘What’s happening?’ ‘Why can’t I see?’ ‘I can’t hear.’ ‘Why can’t I feel anything?’ And I remember talking to the counsellor about this, and he said something really kind to me. He said, ‘You’re beginning to feel now, Dave.’
If I buggered it up. I was back out on the streets.
I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
Only a hop, skip and a jump away from here is where the recovery homes are, so I used to come down here whilst I was in treatment.
You don’t want to go back to the place where you were because I was a broken man.
It’s not about the drugs. It’s not about the alcohol. For me to be in recovery, is a daily thing but I’m still an addict. Still got those thought processes, still got them demons.
But now I’ve come through treatment. I’m on the other side of the park living in my own gaff.
If you’ve ever lived in an unsafe place that security is massive. And I picked the keys up and I was waiting for the bus then I just started crying. Not because I was sad but just this feeling came over me, I was like that, you know, look where you are.
I remember just lying in my bed, just looking round nice and quiet. Shut the door. My own gaff. Nice little garden. But primarily, safe.
Yeah. I’ll never forget it.
And if I do forget it, I’m in trouble.
